A Bittersweet Memory
by Erika
Summary: ObiWan mourns the loss of his best friend.


**_Title_****:** A Bittersweet Memory

**_Author_****:** Erika

**_Rating_****:** PG

**_Summary_****:** Obi-Wan mourns the loss of his best friend.

**_Time Frame_****:** Obi-Wan is 18

**_Spoilers_****:** For "Thank You" (you'd have to read it to realize what the spoilers are)

**_Category_****:** AU (Tahl doesn't die), H/C, non-slash, POV, Obi-angst

**_Disclaimers_****:** The Star Wars universe and all of its characters belong to George Lucas, I'm only borrowing them to have a little fun and I promise to return them unharmed (well, at least mostly unharmed). I'm making no money off of this and this is written for entertainment purposes only. 

**_Feedback_****:** Both positive feedback and _constructive_ criticism are greatly appreciated and will be cherished! (firedrake88@yahoo.com)

**_Archive_****:** Jedi Apprentice, Early Years, Wolfie's Den, JAFD, The Guardians of Peace, The Temple Library, Telly, and anyone who has any of my other stories. Anyone else who wants this, please ask and send me a link to your site so that I can check it out =D

**_Note_****:** _Technically_ this is a prequel to my story "Thank You", but you'd have to have read it to realize how it's a prequel. 

Things enclosed in 's are telepathic communication through the Master/Padawan bond.

Things enclosed in / /'s are /_memories/_

**A Bittersweet Memory**

All it took was one second, one instant in time and she was gone, ripped from my life forever. Even as I stood there, watching her body burn in the golden flames of the pyre, I couldn't believe she wasn't coming back. In ways, I still can't. It's getting easier but there are times when she's all I can think about. She was always there for me; through it all I could always count on her. How can she be gone? 'Friends forever' we'd said, 'Together until the end.' I guess neither of us thought it'd end so soon. Force, how am I supposed to live without her? She was my best friend.

There are times when I can think of her with only a fond sadness but there are other times when I want to break down and cry. I know it'll keep on getting easier, that I will always miss her but that one day I will be able to think of her without pain, but that doesn't make it better now. 

It's almost still as shocking as it was when I first heard the news. Tahl and Bant were assigned a very simple mission but things went wrong. What should have been peaceful negotiations erupted into a bloody fight between the two parties. Bant had tried to calm them down and had stepped between them just as someone fired. She had no time to dodge the blaster shot and was killed instantly. For that I am grateful. At least I know that she didn't suffer.

I still remember what I was doing when Qui-Gon told me. I was adding the finishing touches to my latest drawing. It was of Bant and me, together, under the shade of one of the trees in the meditation gardens. It had always been one of our favorite places to hang out and since we hardly ever saw each other anymore I had thought I would give her a copy of it. It would be a way for us to remember everything we had shared. 

I should have known something was wrong when Qui-Gon chimed at my door. He never chimes, at least not anymore. We have nothing to hide from each other and can always enter and leave each others rooms as we please. I, however, was completely oblivious to that and to the sadness in my Master's bearing when he entered.

/_"Hello Master," I said when Qui-Gon stepped inside my room, "How are you?"_

_"Padawan," he greeted me softly, coming to stand by the side of my desk to see what I was doing._

_"What do you think?" I turned the drawing towards him so he could see it better._

_A flash of sadness passed through my Master's eyes before he answered, "It's very good, Obi-Wan." His voice was weary and held such an immense sorrow that it worried me._

_"Is something wrong, Master?" I asked softly._

_Qui-Gon nodded slightly, "Yes Obi-Wan. I need to talk to you. Please sit with me."_

_I frowned, trying to figure out what my Master was sad about. We had just returned from six months of missions and were taking a few months off before returning to active duty. Qui-Gon had given me what he called 'Recreational Time' for the first week of our vacation. That meant that I could do whatever I wanted. After that my Master would begin my lessons again. Tonight was the last day of my free week, which had passed peacefully and without incident. Perhaps my Master was sad because the Council had decided to terminate our vacation early and send us on another one of their 'highly important missions'. It wouldn't have been the first time they'd done that to us._

_My Master moved to sit down on the side of my bed and gestured for me to sit next to him. Worried, I set down my sketching pencil and quickly complied. "What is it, Master?" I asked. "Is the Council sending us on another mission already?"_

_ Qui-Gon closed his eyes and shook his head, "If only it were that," he sighed softly._

_ Now I was truly worried. "Then what's wrong, Master?"_

_ My Master's eyes opened. In them I could see the same sadness I had heard in his voice. I reached out along our bond. What I found there surprised me. Yes he was sad but he was sad for…me. _

_ "Obi-Wan," he started softly, settling a gentle hand on my shoulder, "Tahl just contacted me a few minutes ago with…terrible…news. Something when horribly wrong during their mission and…I'm so sorry to have to tell you that…Bant was killed early this morning."_

_ No. Oh please no. I had to have heard wrong. Bant couldn't be *gone*! I had just talked to her last night and she had been fine! We had talked about getting together when she and Tahl returned from their mission. She couldn't have been killed! She couldn't be…dead! This was some sort of cruel joke, it had to be. Qui-Gon was testing me…he wanted to see if I could use the Force to contact Bant and see that she was okay. This couldn't be true!_

_ I shook my head but even as I denied what he had told me I knew he spoke the truth. Qui-Gon would never be so cruel as to test me in such a way. The sadness in his voice, in his manner, and through our bond told me that Bant was really gone. "No," I said softly, shaking my head again._

_ Dimly I was aware of Qui-Gon rubbing his hand in soothing circles over my back and of the gentle hand that cupped my cheek but it didn't matter. None of it mattered. Bant was gone. My best friend... How could this have happened? I loved Bant, I couldn't lose her! I hadn't even gotten a chance to say goodbye!_

_ I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but I found I couldn't. I couldn't even move; the shock was too great. I just sat there, frozen, as denial and grief battled over my heart. Force, I couldn't do this without her. She couldn't be ripped from my life like this! She was too young to die…she had so much to live for._

_ "Obi-Wan," my Master's voice gentle full of compassion, "I'm so sorry."_

_ Bant and I had joked about how we'd work together when we were both Knights, or when we had Padawans of our own. We hadn't seen each other in months. We had planned everything we'd do together when she got back to the Temple. We had been devising ways to convince our Masters to let us leave the Temple by ourselves so we could go and visit some old friends of ours. She had been fine then! Why did this have to happen? Why Bant? Why did I have to lose her too? _

_ "Tahl will be returning with her body tomorrow morning and her funeral will be held in the afternoon," my Master said gently._

_ Bant's funeral would be tomorrow. My mind couldn't process that. Bant was supposed to be having a funeral to tomorrow! She was supposed to live to be almost one hundred. We were supposed to be Knights together. She was too young to have died. _

_ "Please," my voice broke but I didn't care, "I want to be alone now."_

_ Qui-Gon hesitated and his hand on my back stilled. _

_ "Please," I begged him softly. I had to be alone. I couldn't stand for anyone to see me right now._

_ Qui-Gon nodded slowly, "If you need me, I'll be here Obi-Wan," he said, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on my forehead._

_ A few moments later the door slid shut as Qui-Gon left my room, leaving me alone with the grief and the painful memories of what I had lost. _

_I moved until I was sitting in the corner of my bed, and leaned back against the cold, hard wall._

_ I sat there for hours without moving or even crying. I couldn't cry. I wanted to feel the release of tears but they wouldn't come. The news was too fresh. It hadn't sunk in yet. So I stayed there long into the hours of the night, just staring lifelessly at my room with the same thoughts filtering through my head in an endless circle. She couldn't be gone… She couldn't be dead… There was so much for her to be alive for, how could it end like this?_

_ Obi-Wan, I heard Qui-Gon's soothing voice in my head. _

_ Master, I responded emotionlessly._

_ Waves of compassion and love filtered through my bond with Qui-Gon but I found them of little comfort. It's midnight, Padawan. You should try and get some sleep._

_ Sleep? the word was almost foreign to me. How could I sleep when Bant was gone? How could I live when she was dead? How could I do *anything* knowing I'd never see her again, or be able to say goodbye?_

_ I know this is hard, Padawan, but you *have* to get some rest._

_ I can't, I confessed._

_ I'll help you, he assured me. It'll get better, Obi-Wan._

_ I moved for the first time in hours, half-heartedly laying myself down on my bed. I know, I said, but it hurts._

_ I know it hurts, he comforted me, and it will hurt for a long time, my Obi-Wan, but I promise that it won't always be like this._

_ I never got a chance to answer. Qui-Gon had already implanted the sleep suggestion into my mind and moments later I was transported to the realm of dreams. A land where my troubles melted away and I could imagine that Bant was still alive and well, and least for a little while. /_

I don't really remember much about the next day. The next thing I was really aware of was being at her funeral, watching the flames consume the empty shell that was her body. To me the fire destroyed more than just the flesh and blood that had housed her but also all the hopes and dreams we had shared. 

I felt detached from my body. Everything around me was surreal, like some horrible nightmare that I never woke up from. It didn't seem like reality to me. I couldn't believe that I was at my best friend's _funeral_, that she was really gone. 

I just stood there, watching as her body melted away, but not really believing it could be true. Every once in a while I would feel someone place a gentle hand on my shoulder and murmur their condolences but I didn't even realize that everyone else had left until hours later when I looked around and saw that Qui-Gon and I were the only ones still there. Even Tahl had already left. 

In a flash I saw that even the fire had burnt itself out and I hadn't realized. Qui-Gon must have been so worried, watching me as I just stood there, staring first at the flames of the pyre, and then at the dark black ashes it left in its wake. He didn't rush me though. Never told me it was time to go or that we should return to our quarters and get some rest. He just stayed there with me, supportive in his silence.

I remember looking at the sky and being surprised that the sun was setting. I had stood there for so long without even realizing it. Finally, I turned and left, and Qui-Gon followed me. As we walked he draped a gentle arm around my shoulders and led me back to our quarters.

/_I sat down on my bed, still numb with shock. I couldn't believe that she was gone. I couldn't believe that I'd never see her again. I couldn't believe that I'd never get a chance to say goodbye. Even her funeral hadn't made it real for me. I couldn't accept that she was gone…forever._

_ I didn't look up when I heard the door to my bedroom slide open or even when I felt the bed dip in as Qui-Gon took a seat next to me. "Obi-Wan?" my Master questioned softly, "do you want to be alone now?"_

_ Alone? No, I didn't want to be alone. Not anymore. I already felt alone enough without Bant, I needed to know that I still had Qui-Gon. I shook my head._

_ "You want me to stay?" he asked, gently stroking my hair and resting his hand on the back of my neck._

_ I nodded, "Please."_

_ Qui-Gon tipped my head up until I was looking at him, "It'll never be all right that she's not here with you anymore, but I promise you that it will get better."_

_ I nodded desolately. I already knew that. It didn't make the pain go away._

_ "Remember how it was with Cerasi, Obi-Wan?" he asked, "you grieved but eventually you were able to think about her without the pain, without the engulfing sadness. I promise, it will be that way with Bant too."_

_ I had known Bant longer though. She had been there for almost my entire life. She had been more than just my best friend; she had been like a sister to me. "I can't believe she's gone," I breathed out._

_ Qui-Gon rubbed his hand softy up and down my back as he spoke, "I know. Destiny rips our loved ones from us so quickly sometimes that it takes a while for us to believe that they're really gone."_

_ "She's always been there, Master. When I came back from Melida/Daan, she was there for me. Whenever I've needed to talk about anything, she always made the time. What am I supposed to do without her?"_

_ My Master brushed the thumb of his hand against my cheek, "Go on, Obi-Wan. It's all you can do. Bant would want you to continue with your life."_

_ I shook my head helplessly, "But it's so hard."_

_ "I know it is, but you'll make it. I'm here with you Obi-Wan. Together, we'll make it through this."_

_ I didn't think I had ever been more grateful for my Master. He wasn't telling me that he understood how I was feeling; he was telling me that even though *I* was the one grieving this loss, he would stand by me until I healed and beyond that as well. _

_ I smiled sadly at Qui-Gon as it suddenly struck me how similar Bant and my Master were for me. They were nowhere near being the same but they both made me feel safe and loved. When I was with either one of them I felt like nothing in the world could hurt me because I knew that I was cared for. I trusted both of them with my life, with my heart, and my very soul. I had to be grateful that I at least had Qui-Gon. _

_ My Master's eyes seemed to light up when he saw the sad smile that played at my lips. He was probably grateful to see anything reflected on my face other than the empty grief I knew was there. _

_"I'm sorry," I apologized softly, "for worrying you at the funeral. I didn't realize how much time had past."_

_Qui-Gon shook his head, "Don't apologize," he said firmly, "you have nothing to be sorry for. You needed time, you still do. I will always give you the time you need."_

_"I know. Bant always said that you…" I was surprised by how quickly my voice disintegrated into tears. It was as if the mention of my best friend's name had shattered the barrier within me. Before I could even finish my sentence I felt a lump forming in my throat and tears stinging at my eyes. Bant was gone. Force, she was really gone. _

_I tried to blink them back but there was no way to block the flood of sadness that filled my heart. Within seconds tears welled up in my eyes and fell down my cheeks. My vision was blurry and my breathing was loud and almost sounded like gasps. "I miss her so much," I choked out around my tears, in a voice so ragged that I didn't recognize it as my own, "I miss the way she laughed…the way her eyes lit up when she was happy…I miss…being able to talk to her and…" Loud sobs cut through my words until I couldn't even talk and all I could do was cry. Cry for what I'd lost, cry for the life and friendship that had been cut short, and cry for the loneliness and denial that filled my heart._

_When I felt Qui-Gon's arms close tightly around me I didn't fight it and completely collapsed into his embrace. "Shh," he soothed, and began to murmur comfortingly into my ear as he cradled me securely in his arms. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but then again, the words really didn't matter. What mattered was that he was there for me, that I wasn't alone._

_I dug my fingers into the cloth of his robes and fisted my hands tightly, clinging to him much like a frightened child clings to his mother. It was as if I needed to feel, as well as see, that I hadn't lost him too, and that he was still with me. _

_I should have felt ashamed with Qui-Gon rocking me back and forth as if I was a child, but I didn't. I felt loved and cared for, and at a time like this, that was what I *needed* to feel. _

_With Bant gone I felt alone and lost. I had known her longer than I had known Qui-Gon. We had met on her first day in the Temple and been inseparable since then. The Masters always had to put us in the same classes because when we were initiates we couldn't stand to be apart. She had always been the one constant thing in my life, until Qui-Gon. They had been the two most important people to me and now that she was gone I needed the comfort of the one who was left._

_As I cried and the tears fell from my eyes I felt a certain measure of relief, like a level of sadness had been lifted from my shoulders. My heart still ached terribly without her and I still felt like part of me had been ripped away, but somehow, it wasn't quite so bad. _

_I sobbed for longer than I had ever cried before. It must have been hours that Qui-Gon held me like a small child, rocking me in his arms and murmuring words I couldn't understand. Even though his words were just soft mumblings to me I knew that he wasn't offering meaningless words of comfort, telling me it was okay when he knew it wasn't. He was offering me his love. _

_For the longest time I just hid my face in his clothes and let the tears rush out of me like water over the jagged rocks of a waterfall. By the time the flood of tears and sobs stopped my throat was raw and my eyes were half closed from the exhaustion. I clung to him silently then, drifting to and from sleep in the comfort of his love._

_Finally, I drifted off to sleep for more than just a few minutes. By the time I awoke again it was completely dark in my room and Qui-Gon had somehow maneuvered us into a halfway lying down position while still holding me tightly in his arms._

_Even through the dark I knew that he was awake – that he had been awake all night watching over me. "Qui-Gon," I choked out in a sleep-heavy voice torn out through my stinging throat, "go, it's all right. You need to s-sleep too. I'll be fine."_

_Qui-Gon shook his head, "No, Padawan. I won't leave you. You need me now. It's okay, I like watching over you. Go back to sleep, Obi-Wan."_

_"Y-you shouldn't do this for me," I protested, "you're exhausted."_

_"So are you," he countered, "you should sleep now."_

_"So should you."_

_A gentle hand traced patterns in my buzzed hair, "I stand vigil over you to keep the bad dreams at bay, Obi-Wan. You've already been through enough today. You deserve to sleep in peace."_

_A thick lump formed in my already sore throat but before I could choke the words 'Thank you' out I felt a Force enhanced sleep suggestion take effect in my over-tired brain and seconds later I was fast asleep – again./_

Qui-Gon was still there when I woke up the next morning – fast asleep with me in his arms. Even through the gnawing grief, I smiled. Poor Qui-Gon, he had tried so hard to watch over me but had finally succumbed to sleep. How do you thank someone who's willing to do that for you? I guess there really is no way. Someday, perhaps, I'll find the way to show him my gratitude, but until then I'll just have to hope that he knows how much he means to me, and how much I love him.

I think that that will always be one of my most bittersweet memories. Biter because of the loss of my best friend, my confidant, and the one who had always been there for me, and yet sweet because of Qui-Gon's undying devotion to me. He's one of the things that has gotten me through this devastation. Knowing that I can always go to him when I need someone to talk to is an immense comfort to me.

It's been two weeks since Bant's death and my emotions are a mixed tumble of swirling colors. Sometimes I still find myself in disbelief that she's gone, sometimes I just cry because I know I'll never be able to share my troubles with her again, but sometimes I actually catch myself being happy – laughing at my Master's subtle humor or something else that actually amuses me. It's in those times that I know I'll be okay because I have a fighting spirit, and a Master who won't let me give up. 

There are hours when I think I won't survive the loneliness, but there are other hours when I realize that I am _not_ alone and that there are still many reasons to be happy. I know that someday I will be reunited with Bant in the Force and that until that day she will always be with me in spirit. Until then, I have Qui-Gon and I know that I will _never_ be alone.

The End


End file.
